Principles and Methods

As a preface, reading this post by my friend would be helpful. Realization

(Before I really start, these things aren't a criticism against the post referenced above, just about the the discussion in general. Also, the example is not about anyone who reads this blog, so ITS NOT YOU!)

As to the discussion of Principles vs Methods. I think others have plenty to say about this topic, and if you have finished the post above then we can continue.

I think the whole principle/method discussion thing is very interesting. The underlying supposition is that even if the methods are different, the principles are still observed (hence, feeding the children. They must be fed, yet we all go about it differently.)

I think some things are overlooked in this particular discussion. People get so wrapped up in defending their methods that they often lose sight of the Principles.

For my example we look at Discipline in terms of the Principle: Obeying.

(I'm not proposing to be an expert, just stating what I have had experience with.)

Parents have plenty of different strategies for discipline. Some parents discipline more, some less. Our overall method is very much different from our close friends, but in the end, our children (by the grace of God) often come out with the same principles.

Methods can be different as long as the outcome is the same. Let me repeat that:


Methods can be different as long as the outcome is the same.

What I am concerned with is when the parents defend their method as being different, yet claim that the principle is the same, when the principle is not even remotely being followed. Confused yet? Here is an example:

Once we were visiting someone's house with another family. It was made clear to a certain child from the other family (I think this child was around 2) that the kitchen was off limits due to the fact of overcrowding and the oven frequently being opened. This child repeatedly ran into the kitchen. The first time the parent scolded the child, removed him, and repeated that the kitchen was 'NO' (from experience, I know for a fact that this child knew what NO meant)

This happened over and over. At least 6 or 7 times. Each time the parent picked the child up, repeated the instructions, and less than 2 minutes later, that child was right back there again. The child was choosing not to listen to the parent, and directly disobeying what he was being told.

Later that night, my husband confronted the father (by confront I mean he casually asked what happened, why the child wasn't disciplined for not obeying) and the father, while he didn't take offense, basically said "just because our method is different than yours doesn't mean it is wrong."

Now, here is my problem with the situation. The method WAS wrong because the principle wasn't being followed.

Principle: Obeying.

Let me be clear, the method was not wrong just because it was different than what we might have done.

If the child had stopped running into the kitchen after the first time or even the second, we would have not mentioned the method at all. If the principle had been followed, the method would have been a moot point.

As long as the children obey, each set of parents get there differently, and each child has different flexibility than another. Some need strict discipline, and some get the idea with just a stern look. I have two of such in my own family.

However, in the example case, the method wasn't working to promote the principle

By approaching the parent, we were not actually disagreeing with the method, but reminding them of the principle. Children need to heed their parents word. Especially given the situation:

1. They were in someone else's house
2. The host specifically asked that the child be kept out of the kitchen

We were simply trying to remind the parent that by allowing their child to not obey, they WERE in fact being inconsistent. Something should have been done about the child's repeated entering the kitchen. Let me repeat the mantra of my post

Methods can be different as long as the outcome is the same.

In this case, the outcome needed to be that the child was kept out of the kitchen. The method should have been adjusted to make sure that the principle (obeying) was in fact being promoted. To me, adjusting your method when it is not working is the definition of flexibility.

Fortunately, we have plenty of Biblical guidelines for principles, and a lot for methods too. Every single situation is not addressed, and therefore that is why parenting often looks so different. However we do need to keep in mind the principles we HAVE been given. We can't rearrange our principles to fit our methods. It MUST be the other way around.